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The Yeshua Worldwide Network
of Churches
HUMOUR
A
Teachers Dilemma
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A
LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING
STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN
BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS
BEEN LEFT IN. (can you imagine trying to grade these while keeping a straight
face!)
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1. IN THE FIRST BOOK
OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE
SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE.
NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN
PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY,
BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT
HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED
ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE
APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE
UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT.
AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD
ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT
ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN
JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRACLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA
TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT
PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN
BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID'S SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND
700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE
SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE
ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE
CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS
HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO
DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT
LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRACLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD
AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE
12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTLES WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE APOSTLES WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS
ALSO A TAXI MAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED
HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25 CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED
MONOTONY.
TOMMY COOPER JOKES
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them
would have seen it.
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
shrink says, Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut
your arms off".
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it
sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
11. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like
Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
12. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
14. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a
lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
15. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my
family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older
Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
16. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the
other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
17. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left
a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
18. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
Thank God for
Church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in Church bulletins or were announced in Church services:
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Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
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Announcement in a
Church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference:
"The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
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The sermon this morning:
"Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been
cancelled due to conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
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Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
"hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang
"I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
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During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when I.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing
"Break Forth into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving
aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
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The
Church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the BS is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the
Church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
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Our next song is
"Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Serving Yeshua International
&
The
Old Roman Catholic Church in England
bishoppeter01@btinternet.com
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